Life is a highway, I wanna drive it all night looong …

 

 

 

 

 

Brought to you by the genius of MckMama!

“It’s the ciiiiiiircle of liiiife …”

I DID NOT complete the circle this week — or actually, today. Le sigh.

Here’s the thing about me: I DO NOT drive. I DO NOT drive A LOT. I DO NOT put 1,200 miles a month on a car. I DO NOT, well, not pay zero attention to the amount of time between oil changes or the amount of tread on my tires.

That’s why, last week, when my manperson threatened to leave me unless I got my oil changed (“It’s been, what? Five months? That’s, that’s, 6,000 miles. You are insane!” Me: “Huh?”) I DID NOT drive to Athens on Wednesday to get my oil changed.

I DID NOT go spend money I didn’t have eating lunch with some of my friends, and I certainly DID NOT teach a 3-year-old how to chew potato chips with his mouth open. I am too classy for that.

 

Wouldn't you want this shetroll to be around your kids?

 

 

 

I DID NOT arrive back at the station and, as I was going to pay for the oil change, hear the workers tell my friend, “She needs new tires.”

I DID NOT say, “Nooooo, they’re fine.”

My friend who works at the station DID NOT go check on the tires, come back into the store, drag me out in the head and point out a 1 inch wide strip of tire that had … uh … no tire on it.

I DID NOT then have to spend $180 on tires. Because that would SUCK.

I DID NOT then go pick up The Noodle and head home.

I DID NOT then, on Saturday, drive back to Athens for dinner with a friend, spend the evening there, drive back to Atlanta, and then on Sunday drive back to Monroe, where I met My Darling Ex to retrieve The Noodle.

I DID NOT use an entire tank of gas in two days. That would just be irresponsible.

I DID NOT wake up this morning, get in the shower, and start thinking about how much money I spend on gas. I DID NOT get so wrapped up in this conversation that I shaved my left underarm twice and my right underarm … not at all.

I DO NOT currently feel a stubbly difference in my armpits. and I AM NOT wearing a shirt that exposes them every time I move my arms.

I DID NOT get The Noodle ready for school, and dress him in his brand spanking new boxer brief underwears (Just like a big boy!) I WAS NOT so overcome at the cuteness of the new underwear that I made him pose in them for me to take a picture. I WOULD NOT now post the picture of my son, in his new undies, showing off his muscles.

This is a mirage. You didn't see anything.

I DID NOT then drive back in to Athens to drop off The Noodle at school (Oooh, I only have a quarter tank of gas … see, where does it go? Clearly someone is siphoning it from me. Thievery, thievery I say!) and decide, since it was almost 11 a.m. that I wanted Chick-fil-A for lunch and could just run ACROSS town and get it.

I WAS NOT flying down the highway when I spotted something in the middle of my lane. As I slammed on my brakes to dodge it, I certainly realized it WAS NOT a turtle.

Ahh, this is a long ways. I need a lovely woman to come rescue me.

I DID NOT scream, “Oh, baby turtle!” before making a U-turn. (How do I know it was a baby? I don’t? But aren’t baby things cuter? And turtles? They are generally small … so, for the sake of this story, it was a baby turtle. Named Joey. Who plays soccer and likes pizza. Just like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)

I DID NOT jerk the car into park in a right-hand turn lane, leap out of the car and run across the highway toward the turtle, probably scaring the shize out of him. I DID NOT make cars in both lanes stop so I could pick up said turtle and carry him across the highway to the grassy field.

And, then, as I was walking back to the car, proud of myself (Lifesaver, I am a lifesaver. Saving lives is what I do. Always being nice to children, the elderly and animals. I am a good person. I deserve a prize. Whoohoo I am a liiiiifesaver!) did the driver of a car who was trying to turn into the lane — the lane I WAS NOT blocking, of course — roll down his window and scream at me for almost causing an accident to save a “stupid ass turtle.”

I DID NOT respond like a lifesaving animal rescuer would, and tell the nice young man to go eff himself.

Because, again I am classy.

Need I remind you?

I DID NOT then go to Chick-fil-A (Clearly, my goal of keeping animals alive is lost on chicken. Nom nom nom) and get my number one, no pickle, with a sweet tea.

I DID NOT decide that it was time to head to work, so I ate and drove.

I DID NOT have to stop and get gas … again.

And I certainly DID NOT, whilst texting and tweeting and facebooking on my lovely phone, come careening around a curve and hit a chipmunk.

Oh there's a nut. I'm gonna go get it. Ooh, nuts, nuts, nuts (kathump.)

I WOULD NOT save a turtles life and then take a chipmunks. And even if I did, I WOULD NOT have to pull over, cry, go over to the chipmunk, make sure it was dead (60 mph + chipmunk = dead, trust me) and proceed to get a stick and push him to the side of the road, where I then said a little prayer over its body.

That would be weird. And done in the public eye. So I WOULD NOT do that.

And during all this, the Lion King’s “Circle of Life” song WOULD NOT pop into my head, and I WOULD NOT start tastelessly laughing before getting back into my car, and consequently, to my chicken sandwich.

But, yes. I DID sanitize my hands.